Do Your Kids Talk Back? How to Stop It, NOW!

Back talk is ugly. No matter what the age of the child, it’s just plain ugly. A child’s insolent, disrespectful, and argumentative response, both verbal or nonverbal, can make any parent furious. Our culture has produced great role models for disrespect. Try watching any TV show or movie to see what I mean. Kids are applauded for being sarcastic and rude.

Apart from society, kids are also growing and in response to being independent, the child moves from speaking literally and most often respectfully, to figurative language. To feel “smart” they put down others with derogatory remarks and cutting comments. The old “I feel good if you feel bad.”

Expectations play a major role in how family members communicate with one another. If Mom and Dad are respectful of others, chances are the children will be polite. The opposite is true as well. I had a primary age student in class years ago who would drop the worst profane word imaginable in the classroom. I tried everything I could think of to extinguish the behavior to no avail. Finally, I called his mom. She was shocked and told me, “I don’t know where the @*&% he got that, but I’ll talk to him. Thanks for calling.” It’s role modeling, pure and simple.

Even if your children are generally polite rude language can and will creep in. Ignoring it won’t help. Kids learn it’s okay to act and speak to others that way if Mom and Dad don’t correct them. Speak up. Ask the child to rephrase the comment and expect the child to do it.

To set the ground rules for respectful communication, start with a family meeting. Talk about respectful words and actions. Set specific rules for how family members will speak to one another. State the rule in the positive. We use respectful words, tone, and gestures. We used indoor voices in our home. We speak clearly without muttering. Post the rules where every family member can see them. Refer to the rules when necessary. Once the rules are written, be consistent in what you expect and enforce it.

Consider the TV shows, movies, and music your children listen to most often. Kids mimic what they see and hear. My boys began trash talking one another as they had seen in a popular TV show. My husband and I pulled the plug on that particular show, had a talk with the boys, and the behavior stopped.

Here are a few more tips to tame a sharp tongue:

• Disengage. Don’t play into the behavior by adding a rude comment yourself.
• Expect the best, be ready for the worst.
• Have logical consequences for rude behavior.
• Have a signal to warn the child he’s on shaky ground. (i.e. Touch your ear to remind him to listen to his words.)
• Build in empathy. “How would you like someone to speak to you like that?”
• Compliment kids when they speak and act kindly toward others.

Next time you hear a zinger come out of your child’s mouth be prepared to squelch it. Kind words and actions are better relationship builders than cruel, rude remarks.

My lips certainly will not speak unjustly, nor will my tongue mutter deceit.
Job 27:4

© 2018 Becky Danielson. All rights reserved.

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